Love makes you do crazy things. Like decide to drive to Ithaca at 5 am on Thanksgiving morning. Sadly, my grand gesture did not go quite as planned. I crashed my car somewhere on Route 15 in Pennsylvania on Thanksgiving morning on my way to visit to Ben. While I am working hard at being my own individual, life without my best friend is hard and sometimes unbearable. No matter where I find myself in this bizarre and sometimes unruly existence, there is someone out there who can always make me feel like I am home. For this, I am thankful.
Regardless of whatever existential crisis I have been undergoing for the last few months, a very real, tangible reality has set in over the last few days. My first semester of law school finals looms ahead, and with it, my future. Dun dun dun. Cue Hitchcock montage. Realistically, and in my fantasies, I will look back at my first semester of law school and the insecurities, as all part of some greater process that made me the successful, intelligent, wise international lawyer of my future. My fear over my civil procedure final will seem unwarranted, my confusion over counter-offers more acceptable, and my unreasonably imprudent, tortious worrying over torts, a relic of my past. (For the non-law people, I really went all out with the nerdy, legal puns here).
In the mean time, I am trying to remember to breathe. I have found a yoga studio in DC and while the sound of sirens is not exactly the sound of silence I prefer, anywhere I can Om among yogis, and pose like a warrior is an improvement. Now if only they would call tada-asana mountain pose. I looked it up. It means mountain pose. This is not just a "Boulder thing", I digress. I am definitely intimidated by law school, a feeling I can only recall to this extent during my brief academic endeavors into mathematics. Hopefully, finals will provide some affirmation that I am in the right place, doing the right thing, and that I have a future in this new, legal world. Or I will fail, and move to India where I will study Iyengar yoga at an ashram in Goa, hang out in Shri Lanka, and pick grapes in France. For now, I am just trying to stay sane, study hard and hopefully, remember to breathe.
As a side note, my dear friend from class sent me this song which I love for it's somewhat terrible French, and not so subtle hopelessness that I will now share with you.
I wish I could say that I'm doing better than the last time I posted. But I have never been anything but honest in this blog and I intend to keep it that way. On the eve of my 24th birthday I am feeling alone. Law school, the end of my four year relationship, and a move to a new city where I am still a stranger have left me feeling lost and I can't seem to find myself. I keep thinking back to the sign in the entryway of a hostel I stayed at in Amsterdam that said, "Home is in your head." For some reason, with my pack on my back and a map in my hand I felt more at home than in this room where I have a bed to call my own and keys that let me in to the same apartment night after night. In a strange way, I find stability in the unpredictability of travel. The cynics say you can't live like that forever, have to settle down, being a nomad is a fantasy fulfilled by gypsies, criminals and musicians. While I feel unsure about most everything these days, I feel confident in the fact that I have never done things the way people tell me I should and although the road may be bumpier for it, at least it's exciting. Law school is not for the faint of heart and I am learning quickly that I will have to be stronger and more resilient than ever before to survive. I feel like life has been going in fast forward and I'm trying to hold on to moments and memories of my life in Boulder while months are passing and I am a resident of Washington, D.C. without actually living here at all. Tomorrow begins a new year of my life, hopefully a year in which I will learn how to balance who I was with what I am now, where not being part of a half doesn't mean not feeling whole, and where I will have to learn new phrases in new languages so I can survive in far off places and sleep with my pack at my feet. Here's to next year.