Back in the District

After a much needed break from the insanity that consumed my life for the last few months, I am back in DC with a renewed sense of self and some perspective. Last semester consumed me in more ways than one and I was beyond grateful to find some respite in my childhood home and back in Boulder where the people are ingrained in my heart, the mountains embedded in my soul and the memories abundant. The one place I did not return to was the city I love more than all others (even Paris), my dear home Chicago. Between returning to the tristate and the Rockies, that grand old town got lost in the mix and I find myself missing it more than ever despite the icy winds and grey skies that undoubtedly fill the air this time of year. With all of these places that genuinely feel like home, it is hard to understand why DC hasn't begun to join the ranks. Perhaps it is because Pence Library is hardly representative of DC as a whole, or perhaps it is that I rarely leave the house without a backpack full of casebooks, but more likely, it is because deep down I haven't really given it a chance. One of the aspects of traveling that I adore most, is that if you find yourself in a destination that doesn't suit you or your mood or your budget, you can just hop on a bus or train and wake up in a whole new reality. With that mindset, it has been hard to accept that I am somewhat glued to this locale, no bus or train can take me away permanently and although I have met some fantastic people, the overall vibe just doesn't do it for me on a daily basis. Openness is the key to yoga, to Buddhism, to travel, to art and yet I have not been open in my approach to this new life. Ties that bind me to various other places and faces have made it hard and somewhat maddening to accept this new reality. It is with openness that I am going to try to accept this new place, filled with a multitude of transplants like myself, imbibed with the energy of activism, the popped collars of parties I never plan to be a guest of, poverty that is hidden in corners of the city and a wealth of museums I am yet to explore. As I await my grades, I am filled with a sense of hope - that I will learn to love it here or that I will be in the top 5% of my class and get out of here with my sanity intact. In the mean time, despite the serious nature of law school classes and the pressure to excel at the expense of my peers, I hope to grow beyond what law school shaped in me last semester. Rather than define myself as a law student, I hope to retain my identity as a philosopher of life, lover of French culture, outdoor loving environmentalist yogi with an overly intelligent dog ever faithfully by my side. Now, I'm off to read criminal law, who doesn't love a little light reading with their morning waffles?

Edie does Yoga

Just found this picture. Yes, I know I should be studying. But I had to share it because it made me so excited. Edie Sedgwick in Warrior two pose. Two of my favorite things in one picture.

Absurdity and Life Lessons

Well, today my sneaking suspicion that my luck in life was running particularly low was affirmed by a most unfortunate incident involving my computer and a tall glass of orange juice. After suffering through a few rounds of hsyteria characterized by a bursting into tears, frantically calling everyone I know with any computer knowledge, blowdrying my computer while making sure to avert tears from contact with computer, chasing the bus, missing the bus, deciding to drop out of law school, deciding not to drop out of law school but resigning myself to a low expectation for my GPA, I finally gained some clarity when a wonderful friend by way of my lovely, incredible, amazing roommates frantic message to wonderful friend and others, got me to an apple store where my computer was proclaimed dead on arrival but my hard drive thankfully, was intact. I did not tell you all of this because I think you will find it riveting or because I even find it riveting, but I do find it cathartic and right now whatever makes me feel ok about life seems like the thing to do. A week before finals, I had the most unproductive day ever and spent the last of my savings on something I already owned. But through the madness I realized a few things. 1.) The people in your life are the most important thing you have, no matter what happens, as cliche as it sounds, if you have people who care about you, you will survive the seemingly impossibly negative setbacks life will inevitably throw at you. 2.) I am not immune to the emergencies and contingencies that I hear about but expect will never happen to me by means of probability or simply by the fact that they never have before. If it can happen to someone else, it can happen to me. Proceed accordingly. 3.) Hysteria never gets me anywhere yet it is my first reaction in a crisis. Certain events warrant hysteria, but that still doesn't make it productive or useful. 4.) Decisions made in the heat of a panic are the worst decisions you can make. Breathing isn't just for yoga, it's for life. 5.) Things can always get worse. Maybe not the best lesson to learn but expecting that they can probably makes it a lot easier to handle when they do. 6.) Life is short but it is also long. Enjoying the moment is crucial but know that the hard times are woven into a long tapestry of experiences that make the later joy even more special. 7.) Do NOT, I repeat, Do NOT allow open containers of liquid on the same surface as your laptop, EVER. But especially not before your first semester of law school finals. Clearly, the experiences of the last week have given me perspective. But perspective is nothing without a life to apply it to. So now I will go forth, and study, and live, and love, and know that life will only throw me more challenges but that how I handle them is half the battle.

Home

Love makes you do crazy things. Like decide to drive to Ithaca at 5 am on Thanksgiving morning. Sadly, my grand gesture did not go quite as planned. I crashed my car somewhere on Route 15 in Pennsylvania on Thanksgiving morning on my way to visit to Ben. While I am working hard at being my own individual, life without my best friend is hard and sometimes unbearable. No matter where I find myself in this bizarre and sometimes unruly existence, there is someone out there who can always make me feel like I am home. For this, I am thankful.

The Final Stretch

Regardless of whatever existential crisis I have been undergoing for the last few months, a very real, tangible reality has set in over the last few days. My first semester of law school finals looms ahead, and with it, my future. Dun dun dun. Cue Hitchcock montage. Realistically, and in my fantasies, I will look back at my first semester of law school and the insecurities, as all part of some greater process that made me the successful, intelligent, wise international lawyer of my future. My fear over my civil procedure final will seem unwarranted, my confusion over counter-offers more acceptable, and my unreasonably imprudent, tortious worrying over torts, a relic of my past. (For the non-law people, I really went all out with the nerdy, legal puns here).

In the mean time, I am trying to remember to breathe. I have found a yoga studio in DC and while the sound of sirens is not exactly the sound of silence I prefer, anywhere I can Om among yogis, and pose like a warrior is an improvement. Now if only they would call tada-asana mountain pose. I looked it up. It means mountain pose. This is not just a "Boulder thing", I digress. I am definitely intimidated by law school, a feeling I can only recall to this extent during my brief academic endeavors into mathematics. Hopefully, finals will provide some affirmation that I am in the right place, doing the right thing, and that I have a future in this new, legal world. Or I will fail, and move to India where I will study Iyengar yoga at an ashram in Goa, hang out in Shri Lanka, and pick grapes in France. For now, I am just trying to stay sane, study hard and hopefully, remember to breathe.

As a side note, my dear friend from class sent me this song which I love for it's somewhat terrible French, and not so subtle hopelessness that I will now share with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBoTRF2aK4s&feature=player_embedded

Et ainsi de suite..

I wish I could say that I'm doing better than the last time I posted. But I have never been anything but honest in this blog and I intend to keep it that way. On the eve of my 24th birthday I am feeling alone. Law school, the end of my four year relationship, and a move to a new city where I am still a stranger have left me feeling lost and I can't seem to find myself. I keep thinking back to the sign in the entryway of a hostel I stayed at in Amsterdam that said, "Home is in your head." For some reason, with my pack on my back and a map in my hand I felt more at home than in this room where I have a bed to call my own and keys that let me in to the same apartment night after night. In a strange way, I find stability in the unpredictability of travel. The cynics say you can't live like that forever, have to settle down, being a nomad is a fantasy fulfilled by gypsies, criminals and musicians. While I feel unsure about most everything these days, I feel confident in the fact that I have never done things the way people tell me I should and although the road may be bumpier for it, at least it's exciting. Law school is not for the faint of heart and I am learning quickly that I will have to be stronger and more resilient than ever before to survive. I feel like life has been going in fast forward and I'm trying to hold on to moments and memories of my life in Boulder while months are passing and I am a resident of Washington, D.C. without actually living here at all. Tomorrow begins a new year of my life, hopefully a year in which I will learn how to balance who I was with what I am now, where not being part of a half doesn't mean not feeling whole, and where I will have to learn new phrases in new languages so I can survive in far off places and sleep with my pack at my feet. Here's to next year.

Choices

Lately I have been deeply troubled by the choices that have led me on the path I am currently pursuing. The able nomad in me thought a move to D.C. after months of traveling and years of moving around would come in stride. I thought wrong. The adjustment to DC has been wrought with setbacks, confusion, disillusion and a strong dose of apprehension. Never one to settle anywhere long, I found an unbelievably warm, comforting and peaceful habitat in the Boulder bubble. I left with tears in my eyes but hope in my head for a future in our nation's capital pursuing the law degree at a top 5 International law program. What I have found is an amazing city full of intelligent people, beautiful architecture, a school that works me like a dog but leaves me more legally minded every day and an apartment that I love. What I have left behind is what concerns me; in my mind's eye I see a place full of natural wonder, people who knew me as well as I knew myself, my soul mate and to an extent, my identity. Days at the library, highlighters drawing on me in my sleep, an empty bed and a general feeling of displacement have dominated the menu of my life recently. I am beginning to realize the choices I make are often the type that "sound good on paper". The rationale thinker in me wants to say I'm on the right path, but my heart feels like I fell down the wrong rabbit hole. If I chose this life, why does it feel like I'm an actor in someone else's script?